


You will marry your doctor!

by LadyEleanor456



Category: Chalet School - Elinor M. Brent-Dyer
Genre: Community: Lime Green Musing, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:52:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25319365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyEleanor456/pseuds/LadyEleanor456
Summary: Originally posted on the CBB/ SDL
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

Len Maynard, tall, attractive, about to graduate with a first from university and a broken engagement behind her, waited at the train station with butterflies in her stomach for the arrival of her parents. She felt a gentle touch on her arm.

"Are you ok?" asked Con, concern clear in her eyes.

"Sort of," replied Len.

"I know they are cross with you, but they can't force you back to the Platz and make you marry Reg," grinned Con.

"I know... But Mamma is very angry, Papa too, and as for Reg..."

"It will be fine," said Con calmly, "And as for Reg, well it's not like they are going to bring him with them."

At that moment a whistle blew, alerting them to the fact that their parents train had arrived. Through the smoke and steam they could faintly see three figures approaching them, one with enormous earphones clamped to each side of her head.

"Three?" said Len in horror.

"Ah, I may have been wrong about the Reg thing. Do we have time to run do you think?"

"Too late," replied Len as one of the figures raised their hand in what she hoped was a friendly greeting.

It was not. Joey Maynard erupted out of the steam like an avenging fury, closely followed by Jack (less furious, but equally intimidating, indeed thought Con as she considered backing away, why had her father brought his medical case along?) and finally Reg, who was exuding anger from what seemed to be every part of his body.

"Hhhehhehello," stuttered Len.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" screeched her mother (missing now was the famed pure, choirboy's voice), "How dare you break off your engagement to poor Reg? As soon as you have graduated you will return to the Platz and you will marry your Doctor!"

"But..." tried poor Len.

"No buts!" said her father crossly, "We have trained you to be the wife of a doctor, and that is what you will be!!!"

"Where is Con?" demanded Joey, suddenly changing the subject and looking round frantically.

To Len's relief Con reappeared with a huge policeman. Jack Maynard seized the initiative promptly.

"Ah officer, sorry about that, slight family upset," taking the policeman by his arm he led him to the nearest office, he reappeared a moment later, shutting his medical case as he did so. The look he gave Con promised retribution later. "Now, lets get this graduation over with," he said. Reg continued to seethe in the background. Seeing no other option, Con and Len led the way out of the station. 

The graduation ceremony was a complete disaster as far as Len was concerned. Whilst Con was allowed to go up and collect her degree by herself, neither Jo not Jack were willing to let Len move away from their sides, so they went up to collect her degree with her. If this wasn't embarrassing enough Reg insisted on punching every man who spoke to her, this included the Dean, the Chancellor, the rector, several Professors, 15 students and one small boy who happened to get too close to her.

"Well? Is it over?" demanded Joey finally.

"Yes," muttered a red faced Len. People were staring and pointing at them.

"Time for a nice glass of milk then," said Jack, exchanging a quick glance with his wife. Reaching into his medical bag he removed a bottle of milk and two glasses. Rapidly filling them he handed them to Len and Con.

"Drink up!" trilled Joey. Faced with the habit of instant obedience, both girls obeyed, drinking the milk down. Jack and Joey watched and waited whist Reg tried to hit a blackbird which he believed had whistled at Len.

Con gazed into the depths of her glass, what was that white, grainy substance at the bottom...

"Len!" she slurred in horror, "I think we have been dosed!" The world around her went funny, and her last coherent thought was to wonder at Len collapsing on the pavement.

"Oh dear!" trilled Joey once more, "I think the excitement must have been too much for them!"

Jack bent and picked Con up, whilst Reg slung Len over his shoulder in the manner of a Neanderthal with a fresh kill.

"Got their passports?" asked Jack as Reg stomped on what he thought was a male worm looking at Len.

"All set," responded Joey, and she led the way to station humming the bridal march happily.


	2. Chapter 2

Len opened her eyes, she could see nothing but darkness, and hear nothing but somebody breathing. She tried to turn over, however there was not room. She tried turning the other way and felt herself hit something warm and human like. Len reached out a hand and felt the face of the person next to her, much to her relief the features felt like Con. She prodded her.

"MWarggrgr," replied Con. Len prodded her harder, "Whazzup..." was the reply.

"Wake up!" hissed Len in her ear.

"Head... Hurts... Hangover..." said Con faintly.

"It's no hangover," said Len, "We have been dosed!"

Con sat up in alarm, but before she even got halfway up her head hit the ceiling. "Where the hell are we?" she asked.

"A box of some description I think," said Len.

"Smells like Mamma's old school trunk," said Con rubbing her bruised head.

Suddenly there was the sound of a compartment door opening, there were footsteps, and the door shut. The muffled tones of Joey and Jack reached their startled ears.

"Stupid guard, putting my trunk in the van at the back," said Joey, "What a good thing you had your medical case handy."

"Indeed," replied Jack, "He needed those bandages after Reg punched him for getting too close to Len." There was the sound of something heavy being moved on top of the trunk.

"How is he?" Joey's voice was syrupy with concern.

"Still out," said Jack.

"I don't see why you had to dose him," Joey's voice was now petulant.

"He's hitting anything which looks remotely male!" said Jack in the tones of one who has already had this argument several times.

"He is only protecting Len and keeping her safe."

"Safe from a Jack Russell?"

"It might have bitten her."

"Through your trunk? And he wasn't protecting her from being bitten, he said it was looking at her!"

"Jack! You are not having second thoughts are you?" Joey's voice was now like steel.

"No! Of course not," cried Jack, "I just think it would have been easier if we had left Reg on the Platz."

"And have him moping about all sad and lonely," again the syrupy tones.

"And why did we have to bring Con? I though she was staying in England to train as a journalist?"

"What? With that lovely new doctor on the Platz just begging for a wife?"

"Thank goodness Margot is sorted out," said Jack.

"Yes," replied Joey complacently, "We sorted that one very easily."

"Time for some tea?" asked Jack.

”Why not?” The door opened and shut once more, and silence returned.

Len and Con looked at each other in horror, and then a noise caught their attention.

"What's that?" hissed Con.

Len listened for a moment, "It's a train... Oh Con... I think we are being taken back to the platz in this infernal trunk!"

There was another noise.

"What the hell was that?" demanded Con.

The noise came again, "Argsnarng."

"I think..." began Len, but she was interupted.

"Arrgsnarggggg."

At the same moment, something liquid came through the top of the trunk and landed on Con's head.

"Oh my God!" she shrieked, "What was that?"

"Mrwwwwww, Lennnnn, mine.... Argsnarng."

"Oh dear," said Len.

"What? What is it?" demanded Con.

"Did you hear what Papa said about Reg and the guard?"

"Yes," replied Con, as she attempted to wipe her face.

"They dosed him, and I think they put him on top of the trunk, and he is now snoring."

"And the gunk on my face?" asked Con.

"Dribble I'm afraid," replied Len, "Have you never seen Reg asleep? He dribbles and snores."

"And you were going to marry him?"

"Errr... yes."

"AND SHE STILL WILL!" yelled a voice! So intent on their conversation neither had heard Joey and Jack return to the carriage. There was a thump as Reg was rolled of the trunk and hit the floor, and then the lid was raised with extreme violence. The red and angry face of Joey was revealed to the startled occupants. "You!" she pointed at Len, "Understand this once and for all, you are going to marry your doctor! And as for you!" she turned to Con, "You think you can set a policeman on us and get away with it? You are coming back to the Platz with us where you are also going to marry your doctor!"

"But I don't have a doctor," said Con bravely.

”Well you soon will!” cried Joey.


	3. Chapter 3

After what seemed like, and in all probability was, several days the train finally reached Switzerland and Con and Len were released from their confinement in Joey's trunk.

"Well look at the state of you both,' trilled Joey in her famed (throughout the Platz anyway) choirboys voice, "Nobody will marry you looking like that!"

Len glared at her mother, "Good," she said, "Then I want to remain this way forever."

However it was not to be. Having arrived back at the Platz the unlucky pair were seized by Anna and Matron dumped in the bath. Both girls screamed. Three years at university had accustomed them to hot, soapy baths, so the cold water came as something of a shock.

After the horror of the cold baths were over the pair were escorted to a bedroom and locked in. They were not however alone. On the bed, trussed up like the Christmas turkey, was a Nun.

"Margot?" said Len and Con together.

Margot glared at them.

"Oh, sorry," said Con, as she hurried forwards and removed the gag and began untying her.

"What are you doing here?" asked Len, "We thought you were giving up the whole Nun thing and going travelling to experience life and other things instead."

"I thought so too," said Margot bitterly, "But that was before I broke the news to our beloved parents. The next thing I knew I was dressed as a nun and tied up in here."

"How long have you been here?"

"Two weeks," replied Margot.

"But what are they planning on doing?" said Con, "They can't really force Len and I to marry, and you to become a nun, can they?"

Silence was the only reply.

"Seriously?" said Con, "You think they can?"

"Look behind you," said Len in a doom laden voice.

Con turned, and let out a shocked gasp. For there, behind the door were two life size dummies, one a replica of Len, and the other of her. Both were clad in wedding dresses.

Suddenly the door flew open, Joey stood there, a simpering smile etched across her face, "Len darling," she cooed, "Reg is downstairs waiting to take tea with you."

"Why would he be doing that?" asked Len coldly.

"He is your fiancé," snapped Jo.

"Well I don't want him!" said Len.

"Why?" Jo seized Len by the neck and started shaking her, "Why? Why? Why?"

"Because I just don't want to marry him. I don't even like him."

"The why did you get engaged to him in the first place you selfish little beast?" demanded Joey.

"Because you made me!" cried Len.

"And because you are married to Papa and couldn't have Reg yourself," butted in Con with her usual lack of tact.

"What?" said Margot.

"What?" said Len.

"How do you know that?" cried Joey.

"Well it is obvious," said Con, "Every time you mention, look at, think of him your face takes on a soppy expression and you start simpering." The before Joey could say anything, she seized the toilet bucket from by Margot's bed and emptied it over her mother's head. Grabbing her sister's hands she cried "RUN!" and all three charged out of the room, Len punching the dummy with her wedding dress as she passed it. However, before they were more than halfway down the stairs they discovered the way blocked by a huge, brooding figure.

It was Reg.

"Len," he rumbled.

"Shove off Reg!" said Len, trying, and failing to push him down the stairs.

"Len," he rumbled again.

"Maybe if all three of us pushed?" suggested Margot.

"Len!" rumbled Reg.

"Worth a try," said Con, "On the count of three. One, two, three." Their combined efforts had no effect.

"Len!" rumbled Reg once more.

"Oh for god's sake, will you SHUT UP!" yelled Len.

"Len!" he rumbled.

"Kick him in the knackers," suggested Margot.

"You're supposed to be a nun, how do you know about knackers?" asked Con in surprise.

"I'm a lapsed nun," said Margot, "I have had a lot of experience with knackers."

"Len!"

"Really?" said Con, "How many?"

"Forty two and a half" said Margot.

"Len!"

"Why the half?" asked Len as she took aim.

"Don't ask!" said Margot, "but it wasn't pretty."

"Nice shot," she added as Reg finally collapsed on the stairs.

The intrepid three climbed over his body, Len stomping firmly on his head as she passed.

However, when they reached the front door, it was once more blocked by yet another brooding figure.

"And just where do you think you are going?" demanded Anna, a sharpened lemon biscuit in each hand.

"This is ridiculous!" said Margot despairingly, and she leapt into the air, wrapped her legs around Anna's head and squeezed. Anna collapsed onto the floor.

"Where did you learn to do that?" asked Len in surprise.

"Forty three and a half," said Margot, "It's why he was a half."

"Gosh," said Con, "Anyway, lets get moving."

Climbing over Anna's prone body, they charged out onto the platz.

And straight into another brooding figure.

"Not another one," said Con in despair, "Who is it this time?"

The peered at the figure who was somewhat indistinct thanks to the snowstorm that had suddenly whipped across the Platz.

"Len..." said a voice.

"Not again!" shouted Len, she ran forwards and kicked the figure viciously.

"What are you doing?" demanded the brooding figure, "I'm here to help you!"

"Miss Annersley?" said Len, hastily withdrawing her foot from Hilda's crotch.

There was a roar of anger behind them, spinning round they saw Reg, Anna and Joey (who was still wearing the toilet bucket on her head) running towards them.

"Stop right there!" bellowed Joey though the bucket.

"Len!" grunted Reg.

Anna hurled a sharpened lemon biscuit at Hilda's head.

"Time to run I think," said Miss Annersley.

"Run where?" asked Margot, hoiking up her habit to reveal some startling lacy underwear.

"The school," said Miss Annersley, "We will be safe there."

Turning quickly they ran towards the school, they pushed the door open and charged towards Hilda's study, rounding a corner however they were stopped by a brooding figure wearing an angels wing headdress.

"Milky milky," she said, holding out a tray containing four glasses of milk.


	4. Chapter 4

Len gave a deep sigh, "Margot?" she said.

"No problem," responded Margot, and flying through the air, she wrapped her legs around Matron's neck.

Matron opened her mouth and bit Margot. Margot's eyes crossed, "AAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg!" she yelled.

"I can see why he was only a half," muttered Con, running forward to help. She seized the tray of milk and brought it crashing down on Matron's head. Nothing happened. Len rushed forward and hit her where her knackers would be if she had been male. Obviously, as Matey was female this had little effect, it was down to Miss Annersley to save they day.

"Matron," she said crisply, "I think Inter V may be coming down with colds."

Matron released Margot, "Very good Miss Annersley, I shall get the cod liver oil out straight away," and off she went.

"Gosh!" said the triplets together in awe.

"Quick!" Miss Annersley hissed, "She won't be distracted for long, let's get to my office!"

They ran down the corridor, pushing various middles out of the way, flung open the door, dived in and quickly shut it behind them.

"Thank god, we are safe now," said Len.

"You are, are you?" asked a sinister voice from Miss Annersley's chair, which had its back to the door.

"Who are you?" demanded Miss Annersley, "And what are you doing in my chair?"

The chair spun round slowly to reveal Dr. Jack Maynard.

"You have been naughty girls," he said in tones that dripped doom from every syllable, "You will now go home, apologise to your mother and to Reg and to prepare for you weddings."

"And if we don't?" asked Len.

"You will regret it," said her father.

"Really?" said Len, looking out of the window over her father's shoulder, "You, know, I think I would rather regret it," she said.

"What?" bellowed Jack in anger.

At that moment, a figure leapt through the window and smacked Jack round the head with a St Bernard puppy.

"What took you so long?" demanded Miss Annersley.

“It took me a long time to find the ruddy St Bernard,” said their rescuer petulantly, “We’re not in Austria now you know.”

“Of course I know that,” replied Miss Annersley.

“And a thank you wouldn’t go amiss either,” added Miss Wilson.

“Thank you!” cried the triplets.

“What shall we do with the body?” asked Miss Annersley

“Did I kill him?” asked Miss Wilson in surprise, “I only meant to knock him out.” She looked at the puppy suspiciously.

Jack groaned.

“No, not dead,” said Margot in tones of deep disappointment.

“Damn,” muttered Len.

The St Bernard yipped.

Miss Wilson pointed the puppy at Jack, “Kill!” she cried. The puppy yipped again.

“I seem to recall I asked you for a fully grown St Bernard,” said Miss Annersley coolly.

“But he is so sweet,” said Miss Wilson, picking up the puppy and kissing it lovingly.

“I prefer cats myself,” said Hilda.

Jack groaned again, Miss Wilson dropped the puppy on his face.

“Right, what now?” she demanded.

“We need to get the girls away from the platz,” said Miss Annersley firmly.

“Where shall we take them?”

“You mean you havn’t organised it?” asked Miss Annersley in shock.

“I was too busy trying to get hold of the dog,” snapped Miss Wilson.

“The dog isn’t that important,” replied Miss Annersley in annoyance.

“What???”

“Hello?” asked Con.

“What do you mean the dog isn’t important? How are we going to distract Joey without the damn dog?”

“Hellloooo?” said Con.

“I gave you two jobs, one to find the damn dog, two, to find a place for us to hide the triplets, and you can’t even do that. Have you been at the gin again?”

“What kind of a question is that?” demanded Miss Wilson, as she surreptitiously threw a green bottle out of the window, there was a clunk and a groan.

“What was that?” asked Con.

The triplets ran to the window and saw that Miss Wilson’s gin had inadvertently knocked out Phil Graves who had been about to climb in the window.

“Good shot,” said Con.

“Oops,” muttered Miss Wilson, “Didn’t mean to do that.”

“You mean he is on our side?” demanded Con, “But he is a doctor,” she added in tones of deepest disgust.

“Yes, but he is my doctor, we are having a passionate affair,” said Miss Wilson happily hauling him in the window.

There was a groan from somewhere under the St. Bernard puppy. “Time to go,” said Miss Annersley, opening the door she looked up and down the corridor, “The coast is clear.” She led the way out of the room, with the triplets following closely on her heels. Miss Wilson brought up the rear with Phil slung around her shoulders.

“Who else is on our side?” asked Len.

“Very few actually, you see your mother has a spider like influence on the people of the Platz.”

“You don’t say?” muttered Margot as she struggled to keep up in her voluminous habit.

“She terrifies people into doing what she wants. Those damn tea parties,” Hilda added thoughtfully. They turned a corner and quickly realised they had walked into a trap.

Before anybody could react, Mary-Lou (for it was she) had seized hold of Hilda, spun her round and was holding a knife to her throat.

"Shall I jump her?" offered Margot flexing her thighs.

"Don't even think about," replied Mary-Lou, "One move from you and Hilda is dead," she pressed the knife a little deeper into Hilda's neck, a thin trail of blood started to make its way down towards the collar of Hilda's trig and crisp blouse.

"That's Miss Annersley to you," muttered Hilda.

"Aunty Jo! I have them!" clarioned Mary-Lou, there was an answering clank as Jo (who was still wearing the bucket) charged round the corner and into the nearest wall.

"Len!" roared Reg as he tripped over Jo.

"Was I on drugs when I agreed to marry him?" said Len.

"Afraid so," replied Nell, carefully shifting Phil on her shoulders. She looked at Reg thoughtfully.

"Len!"

"Duck!" muttered Nell to the triplets out of the corner of her mouth.

Suddenly Miss Wilson threw Phil up into the air, and swung him round. With one blow she managed to take out both Joey and Reg, who went flying down the corridor. However, just as she was preparing to take out Mary-Lou, Miss Wilson was distracted by the yipping of the St. Bernard puppy. Still clutching Miss Annersley, Mary-Lou beat a hasty retreat.

There was a roar from behind the triplets, and Jack Maynard, burst out of Hilda's office, a syringe in each hand and one in his mouth. Nell, distracted by the puppy failed to notice as he plunged the needles into his daughters and they fell to the floor. Together he, Joey and Reg (who had recovered rather quickly) dragged the triplets out of the school and back towards Freudsheim.

When they got there they found Mary-Lou waiting for them, with Hilda tied to a chair and a very large gag covering her mouth.

"Well done," said Jack.

"Now do I get my doctor?" demanded Mary-Lou.

"Soon, I promise," said Jack.

Through the gag Hilda snorted.

"When does the Bishop get here?" asked Joey.

"Within the hour," replied Jack.

"Excellent, I must go and get ready," said Joey happily, "My new lime green dress with matching stockings and hat should be perfect. And as for you," she turned to Jack," I think your lime green shirt and tie should match nicely, and you need a shave. Come on."

"What about Hilda?" asked Mary-Lou as Jack and Joey prepared to leave the room.

"I think you can cope," replied Joey.

"You had better," said Jack darkly, "If you want your own doctor that is." And with that, he and Joey left the room, missing yet another snort from Miss Annersley.

"What?" Mary-Lou spun round, "Don't you think I deserve a doctor?"

Miss Annersley raised her eyebrows in what seemed to be mocking disbelief.

"Well I do!" yelled Mary-Lou (clarioning forgotten for the moment), "I was the second best head girl the school ever had! I deserve a doctor!"

Although it appeared that Miss Annersley's eyebrows could go no higher, she managed it.

"I will get my Doctor!" yelled Mary-Lou, "I will! Doctor Jack promised me! How dare you suggest that I won't! I was the second best Head Girl the school ever had! I will get my Doctor! I will!"

So intent was Mary-Lou at shouting that she failed to notice the door quietly opening, and Nell slipping in, the St. Bernard puppy clutched tightly under one arm, and the still unconscious Phil Graves under the other.

"I've waited years! I will marry my doctor! I will! If I have to kill you I will get my doctor! Oh yes," her voice dropped down to a demonic level, "Yes, I will kill you, that will please Joey, then she can take over the school and will reward me with the doctor of my dreams!" She paused to let out a psychopathic giggle, "Now," she whispered evilly, "How shall I do it?"

"That is quite enough of that!" said Nell firmly. Mary-Lou spun round and was hit in the face by the St Bernard puppy.

"Yip!"

Mary-Lou sank to the ground unconscious.

"She does go on, doesn't she?" said Nell as she released Hilda.


	5. Chapter 5

"Second best head girl?" said Hilda stretching her limbs, "She's got a hope. Is she dead?"

Nell prodded the body with her foot. It grunted.

"Alas, no," she said dropping the puppy on Mary-Lou's face.

Nell and Hilda turned to leave the room when they were interrupted by a strange noise. They spun round.

"What is that puppy doing to Mary-Lou's head?" demanded Hilda.

"Oh dear," said Nell, "I was so intent on rescuing you, that I forgot to take him out for his walkies."

"So that's not chocolate?"

"Err, no."

"Oh well," said Hilda as she held the door open for Nell to walk through.

"Yip!"

"Good doggy," said Nell approvingly.

"Indeed," said Hilda, but as they walked through the door their way was blocked by a tall brooding figure.

"Look into my eyes!" said the brooding figure. Unable to resist such a commanding tone of voice Hilda and Nell gazed deeply.

"You are under my command!" continued the figure.

"We are under your command," replied Hilda and Nell in monotone voices.

"You will help the triplets marry their doctors," said the figure.

"We will help the triplets marry their doctors," replied Hilda and Nell.

"Good," said Jem Russell, "Now, follow me." And he led the way to the Chalet School, where a Joey, dressed in the limest of lime green was waiting.

"Hello Jem dear!" she trilled, "So good to see you, but where is Madge?"

"Dead," replied Jem.

"Oh dear," said Joey, "So you are a widower now."

"Not for long," said Jem, "I intend to marry Hilda when the triplets get married."

"Lovely!" replied Joey.

Entering the school they were greeted by the sight of Jack looking uncomfortable in a lime green shirt and matching tie.

"Maynard! Lovely to see you," said Jem.

"Glad you could make it to the wedding," said Jack, "But where is Madge?"

"Dead," replied Jem.

"That's a shame," said Jack, "How did she die?"

"I pushed her off a cliff," replied Jem.

"Good show," replied Jack.

"There are not shortages off cliffs round here," said Jem, "I'm surprised to have never been tempted to do the same."

"Well it has crossed my mind," said Jack.

"One good shove, that's all you need," said Jem.

"Right," said Joey, oblivious to the conversation taking place, "The Bishop is here, and the triplets are ready. Anna has run up a dress for Hilda to wear, and one for Nell as bridesmaid. I obviously will be chief bridesmaid as well as mother of the brides."

"How old is the Bishop now?" asked Jem.

"102," replied Jack.

"Is he up to the rigours of three weddings and one *Nun making?"

"Of course he is," said Joey gaily, "And I have bought him a lovely fountain pen to say thank you."

And so it began, Con and Len were dragged down the aisle by Jack, Joey followed with a reluctant Margot. Hilda and Nell, still under the evil hypnotic influence of Jem walked calmly down, both were wearing matching lime green frocks, although Hilda's was the more flouncy as befitted the bride.

At the front of the chapel stood Reg, a look of confused pride (or maybe just confusion) on his face, next to him stood a terrified looking man in a white coat. There also stood Dr James Russell awaiting his new bride.

"Dearly beloved," began the Bishop.

"What are we going to do?" whispered Len.

"I don't know," hissed back Con, "I can't believe they really expect me to marry a total stranger."

The man in the white coat looked in her direction, "Well really darling, I can't say I want to marry you either, you're not really my type."

"Then why are you going along with this?" demanded Con.

"Have you met your mother? She is a very determined lady."

Ignoring this comment Con continued in a slightly huffy voice, "Anyway, what's wrong with me? Why aren't I your type?"

"Well my dear, to start with you're not blonde."

"Huh," said Con.

"And to finish, you're female, not my type at all."

"What?" exclaimed Con.

"I'm gay darling," said her future husband.

"We are gathered here today in the sight of god..." continued the Bishop oblivious to the conversation.

"Look here," said Len, "This isn't helping."

"Do you, Hilda Tallulah Ermintrude Annersley, take this man James Russell..." droned the Bishop.

"We have to do something!" said Len.

"Fine," said Margot, turning to the Bishop she lifted up her habit to reveal once more the lacy underwear. The bishop, stopped speaking, coughed, turned purple in the face and collapsed onto the floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!" screamed Joey.

"LLLLLLLeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn!" roared Reg.

"Nice knickers!" commented Con.

"Dammit!" yelled Jem, and seizing the ring from his best man (Jack) he jammed it onto Hilda's finger, spinning round he jumped onto the Bishop and began desperately trying to revive him, "Come on! I need you to finish the service!"

"RRRRRRRRRuuunnnnn!" shouted Margot, spinning round she grabbed Hilda, Len grabbed Nell. Seeing no alternative for it, Con grabbed her future husband and they fled the building, only to be halted at the doorway by a brooding figure.

"Dr Jack!" screamed the brooding figure, "Hilda escaped! It wasn't my fault! She attacked me with a puppy! I'm so sorry! Please can I have my doctor now?"

Jack spun round, "It's too late! You will never get your doctor now Mary-Lou, you have failed me for the last time!"

"Noooooo!!!" cried OOAL, sinking to her knees. She seized the nearest available object and hurled it at Jack's head.

"YYYYYYYYYYyyiiiiiiiiipppppppppp!" Who would have thought that St Bernard puppies were so aerodynamic? The puppy landed on Jack's face, knocking him flat and temporarily silencing him.

The triplets, with Hilda, Nell and Con's fiancé still in tow, leaped over the sobbing Mary-Lou and raced out into the freedom of the platz.

"Where can we go?" gasped Con.

"Not home, that's for sure," gasped Len.

"Up the mountain?" suggested Margot.

"What? That dangerous mountain with all the cliff edges and terrifying drops?" asked Len.

"The very same," said Margot, "They will never look for us there!"


	6. Chapter 6

Running as fast as they could, they headed towards the Wengernalp. With its strange mists, deep chasms and terrifying cliffs the mountain had a sinister reputation. However at this moment in time this seemed like a good thing. They had only reached the first shelf when the mist descended like a thick blanket. Luckily this had the effect of reviving Hilda and Nell.

"Where are we?" asked Hilda, her voice muffled by the mist.

"Yip!"

"We need to go higher," said Margot, "There is a cave we can hide in until the mist clears."

"I think we should hold hands, so we don't lose each other," said Con.

She reached out and took Hilda's hand. Hilda reached for Len, Len for Margot, Margot for Nell, Nell for Con's fiancé and someone else took his hand. They set off towards Margot's cave.

"How did you find this cave?" asked Len.

"Gaudenz told me about it, we used to meet there."

"Oh, that cave," said Con, "He used to meet me there too."

"Me too," said Hilda.

"Yep, me also," added Nell.

"And me," said Con's fiancé.

"Why not me?" demanded Len.

Suddenly through the thick blanket of mist came the sound of footsteps. To the people listening in the cave they sounded like the footsteps of doom.

"Len!" bellowed a voice suddenly beside them.

"Not again!" cried Len, temporarily forgetting her resentment at being the only one that Gaudenz had never taken to the cave.

"Yes?" said Con's fiancé.

"Len!" bellowed the voice once more.

"What is your name?" Con asked the man she was supposed to marry.

"Len," he replied, "Properly Leonidas," he added.

"Len!" bellowed the voice, as a brooding figure loomed through the dark.

"Well hello!" said Leonidas.

"Len?" said Reg in some confusion.

"That would be me," said Leonidas.

"Len?"

"How do you fancy going for a drink?" asked Leonidis.

"Alright," said Reg. Leonidas held out his hand, Reg took it and together they walked down the mountain to future happiness.

"Well!" said Len.

"Well!" said Con.

"I knew it!" cried Nell. She turned to Hilda, "That's £10 you owe me!"

But then, once more through the mist came the footsteps of doom. As mist got rapidly thinner the watchers in the cave could see figures in lime green approaching rapidly - Joey, Jack and Jem, closely followed by Anna, Matron and Mary-Lou. It was clearly time for the final showdown.

Nell put two fingers in her mouth and whistled. There was a pitter patter of little paws, and the St Bernards puppy, and all his brothers and sisters hoved into view.

"Good god," said Hilda faintly.

"Kill my beauties! Kill!" cried Nell.

"Yip!"

"Yip! Yip!"

"Yip!"

"Yip!"

"Yip! Yip!"

"Yip!"

"Yip! Yip!"

"Yip!"

"Yip! Yip!"

The 10 puppies charged down the hill, teeth bared, eyes glowing red with bloodlust. Within minutes it was all over. Used to handling multiple babies the puppies were no match for Joey. She swept them into her arms and continued her relentless march up the mountain.

"Cats would never have allowed themselves to be taken like that," said Hilda, a slight air of smugness about her.

"Damn," said Nell, taking a swig from her hipflask, "Time for plan B I think." She turned to Hilda expectantly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" asked Hilda.

"You're in charge of Plan B," replied Nell.

"Since when?" asked Hilda icily.

"Since always," said Nell, sounding a little like a stroppy teenager.

"There is a plan B isn't there?" quavered Len, who was watching the approach of her mother with some trepidation.

"Of course there is a Plan B," replied Nell, "Hilda was in charge of it so it should be good." She smiled at Len, whilst simultaneously trying to take a swig from her hipflask.

"Well what is it?" demanded Con, as Len hit Nell on the back in an attempt to help her recover her powers of speech.

"I don't know," replied Hilda, "Nell was in charge of Plan B."

"So there isn't one?" asked Margot, "What the hell are we going to do?"

"Can't you think for yourself?" said Hilda, sounding more like Miss Annersley than Auntie Hilda, "After all we have trained you to be strong women, and not spineless jellyfish."

"But..but.." spluttered Len.

"Well, really," said Hilda, she reached up and jammed her hairpins more firmly into place, "Miss Annersley saves the day yet again." She turned and marched out of the cave to face the approaching lime green people. "Joey Maynard!" she shouted, "I challenge you to a duel!"

"One on one?" yelled back Joey.

"Yes!"

"This should be fun," muttered Jem to Jack.

"No!" cried Margot, "Auntie Hilda, you can't! You know how dirty Mom fights!"

"Margot! I have told you not to call me Mom!" snarled Joey, cracking her knuckles.

"Don't worry Margot," said Hilda calmly, "I shall be alright."

"How about mud wrestling?" suggested Jem.

Hilda crouched down, "Jem Russell, if you continue to make vulgar suggestions I shall be forced to throw you over that nearby cliff edge."

Before Jem could reply, Joey charged at Hilda.

It was all over in less than a minute. Despite her well known abilities at kung fu, Hilda was no match for Joey's initial charge. Weighed down with the puppies and her enormous earphones, Joey was unstoppable. With one blow of a puppy Hilda was forced to the cliff edge. A second blow sent her tumbling over, there was a scream, and then silence. Joey flexed her muscles, "Who is next?" she asked smugly.

"NNNNNnnnnooooooooooo!" cried Nell, charging at Joey. Swiftly Joey dispatched her also. Once more there was a scream, and then silence.

The Lime Green Army marched forward and seized hold of the triplets.

"Right," said Joey, dropping the puppies, "Back to your weddings."

"But Reg has run of with Leonidas," pointed out Len.

"No matter," said Joey, "There are plenty more doctors on the platz."

"No unmarried ones," replied Con.

"True," said Joey, "However, give Papa and Uncle Jem half an hour, and there will soon be some widowers looking for a new wife."

"And who am I going to marry now?" asked Jem sarcastically, "Seeing as you have just pushed my bride off a cliff."

"Well," said Joey, "I think it is about time Mary-Lou got her doctor, don't you agree?"

Jem went white. Ignoring him, Joey turned and led the Lime Green Army back down the mountain.

"Yip!" said a puppy.

"Yip?" replied another.

"Yip, yip, yip!" said the first.

"Yip, yip?"

"Yip?"

And the first puppy walked towards the edge of the cliff.


	7. Chapter 7

The puppy gazed over the edge of the cliff. He gave a small wuff of surprise, for what was taking place below would have surprised anyone, not just a puppy.

"Will you let go of my foot!" demanded Hilda crossly and hanging onto a convenient branch for dear life.

"No," replied Nell, "For if I let go of your foot I will go crashing down onto the rocks below and die a horrible death."

"I'm sure I left a rope wrapped around this branch," muttered Hilda, ignoring the sarcastic comments coming from below.

"Oh? Was that yours?" asked Nell.

"What do you know about my rope?"

"Remember you sent me her on a reconnaissance mission to see if it was suitable for hiding the trips?"

"Yes..."

"Well, I found this rope..."

"Yes..."

"And I thought, what if we need to push someone off the cliff? They might escape certain death if they found this rope."

"So what did you do with it?" demanded Hilda icily.

"I threw it into the gorge!" replied Nell happily.

"Did you look at the rope at all?" asked Hilda still in the icy tones.

"Yeah..."

"And did you not notice the writing on it?"

"Might have done..."

"And what did the writing say?"

"Um... something along the lines of 'This rope belongs to Hilda Tallulah Ermintrude Annersley do not under any circumstances remove' or words to that effect."

"And you threw it into the gorge."

"Yes," said Nell happily, as she swung from Hilda's feet.

"Nell, you really are a gin addled moron," sighed Hilda.

"I think that's a bit harsh," said Nell as she continued to swing.

"Harsh? You think it is harsh? What the hell are you doing now?"

"Um?"

"You are attempting to get to your hip flask with your feet aren’t you?"

"Um... maybe..."

"Well, there goes Plan B anyway," said Hilda crossly.

"You mean you really had a Plan B?" said Nell as she attempted to open her hip flask using the toes on her right foot.

"Of course there was a Plan B!" snapped Hilda.

"Well what was it?"

"I was to allow Joey to push me off the cliff and think she had killed me, then I was to use my conveniently placed rope to climb back up, rescue the triplets and help them to escape to South America. But you, in your gin addled state had to go and chuck the rope into the gorge, then attack Joey and end up dangling from my feet."

"That's a bugger." said Nell, who was now attempting to raise the hip flask to her mouth using both feet together.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Hilda.

"What?" said Nell looking up.

"Do you see what I see?" asked Hilda.

"I can see that you are not wearing any knickers!" said Nell in shock.

"No! Look!"

Nell looked, there, climbing slowly to their rescue were the St Bernard puppies, each holding onto the tail of the next with their mouths, they were attempting to form a living rope.

"Cats wouldn't do that for you!" said Nell smugly.

"Where did you find those puppies?" asked Hilda.

"Inter V accidentally created them in the science lab the other week," replied Nell happily.

Back at the school the scene was set for carnage. Jack was desperately trying to bring the Bishop back to life with the aid of a couple of batteries stolen from Nancy Wilmot's vibrator. Joey was frenziedly stapling lime green ruffles to Mary-Lou's blue velveteen dress, Mary-Lou was clinging tightly to Jem's arm, and he was doing his best to escape. Nobody was taking any notice of the triplets. very slowly they started to edge towards the door. They had almost made it when there was a massive crash and Nell Wilson swung through the window in the manner of Tarzan, although instead of a liana vine, she was using a St. Bernard puppy rope. She was followed more sedately by Hilda Annersley.

"Right!" said Miss Annersley, grey eyes (which even now never needed glasses) flashing in a manner which promised to put the fear of god into any naughty middle, "Enough is enough. Jack, drop the Bishop. Now."

Jack dropped the Bishop.

"Put the batteries back where they came from."

Jack removed the batteries from the Bishop's nose and put then back into Nancy's special little friend.

"What on earth is that?" asked Len.

"A Rampant Rabbit," replied Margot knowledgably.

"What's it for?" asked Len.

Margot whispered something in her ear.

"Really? But how?"

Margot whispered some more.

"Where do I get one?" demanded Len.

"They are not that good," said Joey dismissively, "I borrowed Anna's once, and it took ages to work. The eggs had nearly gone off before they were fluffy enough to make an omelette."

"If we could stop discussing Anna's little friend," said Hilda in exasperation.

"Yes," agreed Jem, "And instead, lets say 'hello' to my little friend!" And from his pocket he pulled a small pistol and pointed it at Mary-Lou's head, "Take one step closer and I shoot!" he threatened.

"Really?" asked Miss Annersley coolly.

"Yes! I mean it!" cried Jem.

Miss Annersley smiled, and took one careful and deliberate step forwards.

There was a loud bang.

"NOOOOooooo!" screamed Joey, running forwards and seizing the now lifeless body of Mary-Lou. "How could you?" She leapt up and charged towards Jem.

"Like this," said Jem coldly, he raised the gun and fired again.

"NOOOooooo" screamed Jack, running forwards and seizing the now lifeless body of Joey. "How could you?" He leapt up and charged towards Jem.

Jem sighed, "Like this," he said coldly, he raised the gun and fired again.

"Dammit!" shouted Margot, "Enough is enough! I know they were forcing Len and Con into unsuitable marriages, and forcing me into a convent, but they were still our parents!" She pulled a gun from her knickers and began firing at Jem, who fired back furiously.

The battle did not last long, Margot, with amazing accuracy managed to shoot Jem's gun out of his hand, her last shot hit him in the shoulder, knocking him to the floor. He lay there, his right hand clasping the bleeding wound, and gazed up at Margot's furious face.

"I know what you're thinking," said Margot, "'Did she fire six shots or only five?"' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

"No!" gasped Jem, "You can't kill me!"

"Give me one good reason why not to kill you!" snarled Margot.

"Joey and Jack never told you what happened to your father," said Jem surprisingly.

"They told me enough!" cried Margot, "They told me Jack was my father!"

"No!" replied Jem, "I am your Father!"

"Nooooooo!!!!" screamed Margot, "That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings!" said Jem, "You know it to be true!"

"Noooooooooo!"

"Margot, you can destroy the Chalet School. Hilda has foreseen this. It is your destiny! Join me, and together, we can rule the platz as father and daughter! Come with me. It is the only way."

"Er? What about us?" asked Len, indicating herself and Con.

"And me!" cried Hilda, "I thought you wanted to marry me, not destroy me! Not that I want to marry you, but all the same..." she tailed off as she saw a crazy light appear in Jem's eyes.

However, rather than seize Hilda, which was what she expected, and indeed was prepared for, Jem dived upon Matron who had unexpectedly appeared as if from nowhere.

"My darling!" he cried, "I think I need to make my escape!"

"Oh, Jem! Please, don't go! You can't leave me! Please! I'll never forgive you!" cried Matron.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'll never understand or forgive myself. And if a bullet from Margot gets me, so help me, I'll laugh at myself for being an idiot. There's one thing I do know... and that is that I love you, Matron. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we're alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names."

"Don't hold me like that!" cried Matron as Jem clasped himself to her starched bosom.

"Matron! Look at me! I've loved you more than I've ever loved any woman and I've waited for you longer than I've ever waited for any woman."

"Let me alone!"

"Here's a doctor of the Platz who loves you, Matron. Wants to feel your arms around him, wants to carry the memory of your kisses into surgery with him. Never mind about loving me, you're a woman sending a doctor to his death with a beautiful memory. Matron! Kiss me! Kiss me... once..." cried Jem.

Matron threw herself into his arms. Margot fired the gun, "Ah," she said, "It looks like I only fired five bullets after all!" She looked down at the bodies of Matron and Jem, "Well, that's that then."

"I suppose it is," said Hilda.

"I need a gin and tonic," said Nell, "Whose joining me?"

"We are!" cried the triplets and Hilda happily, and stepping over the litter of corpses, they walked away into the sunset.


End file.
